Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.