sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My dog ate my work from home.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )