Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.