sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My last name is Zilla.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”