Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
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When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Just a reminder, folks:
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.