Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Buck naked

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur