Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Thursday Thought.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.