Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri