Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You Might Also Like
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf