Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight