Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.