Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

much to think about

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!