Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
This line from Airplane.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.