Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.