Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”