sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
#Thanos #MondayMood
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film