“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
british sex workers really pound for pound
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!