“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Yeah. This was me today.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Stonehinge
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”