Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.