Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.