Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?