Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

pain

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.