Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?