Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.