Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

sensitive skin

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

This headline is a thing of beauty

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!