Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”