Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Candles never taste the way they smell
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Put a ring on it
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.