@heychikabumbum

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

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@notacroc

[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@scot7a

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

@MartaEffing

[first date]
Me:
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
Me:
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
*leaves*

@DrewCoffman

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.