Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp