Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
They’re not wrong
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I think about this cartoon a lot.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence