Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
