Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

✨☝️✨

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’