10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”