Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Strangers have the best candy.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.