Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I need to sieze this.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.