Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox