Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.