Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.