Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

❄️

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.