Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
You Might Also Like
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him