Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Those are good neighbors.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.