Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

What personal space?

My dog

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts