Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name