Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Windchimes

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.