Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny