Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
What the dentist sees
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho