Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
You Might Also Like
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.