Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Dead sexy!!