Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Why? Just why? 😂

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.