Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

The legends speak of a third Duran…

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.