Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.