When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.