Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

This is the one

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED