Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.