Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie