Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.