sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
There’s never enough good news
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
let’s discuss
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad