Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Frog purse.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

And bowling should be called pinball

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.