Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Tough love is true love

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there