Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

is frankincense just very honest incense?

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.