Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,