Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
You Might Also Like
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast