Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]