Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack