Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.