Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat