Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

*checks Timeline*…

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

She knows her part so well!

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.