sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
the rocks need my help
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?