Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.