“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?