Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.