Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…